How to Give an Excellent Wedding Toast

It’s wedding season, you may be called upon to give a toast. Allow me to suggest that you:

  1. Be Brief – I cannot remember a toast that was too brief.  I’m sure it’s possible, but I can’t remember one.  Even the mother of the groom or some other important person can give a powerful complete toast with three strong sentences.
  2. Honor the Importance of the Event – You may go to four weddings this year (I have eight) but the people getting married are hoping this is their only bite at the apple, or at least their last bite at the apple. Put a little time into thinking about what you will say, and say it in a respectful way.
  3. Joke Less and be more Sincere – I’m sure people will disagree with this, but if you’re toasting your friend or son saying something like, “He was a great friend or son” will usually be true and never be awkward. If they farted one time, it might be hard to convey the humor or set the scene appropriately. You may tell a joke 0r share an anecdote, but only if it fits the toast. You do not have to say anything funny.
  4. Actually Write the Toast Down – If you are worried about the speech at all and you want it to be good and short, the pen is your friend.  Even if you just have a brief anecdote to share any writing or pre-toast preparation will cut out a lot of  “umms” which are a natural part of amateur public speaking. If you have a lot to say write it out then take out the parts that are second best.
  5. Not Describe Writing the Toast During the Toast – So boring.
  6. Cry if you Need to – If you’re being sincere and focused on the couple it just adds power to the speech.
  7. Don’t Talk about Yourself Too Much – You aren’t getting married. They are getting married.  Talk about them. This is a hard rule for me to follow, but the logic behind it is sound: you aren’t getting married. They are getting married.  Talk about them.*



*This is what I’m talking about when I say three strong sentences.

How to Get a Haircut

I used to hate getting haircuts.  I am not that good at or excited figuring out things like what to wear and what makes me look good.  I like to look good, but I don’t like the process of trying to make myself look good.  And getting a haircut was one of the most annoying unpleasant parts of the whole make me look good process.

Maybe at this point in the post it would be appropriate to say, part of me can’t believe I just wrote the title of this post.  What a stupid and easy thing it is to go and get a haircut.  But, I got a trick.

On the list of the many things in this world that I do not know or care about I would include the following things:

  1. What side do I part my hair on?
  2. Would I like my hair to be over my ears?
  3. Which Sex and The City Character am I most like?
  4. How long do I want my sideburns?

These are all things I have been asked or made a decision on at some point, but they are not important enough for me to remember them all the time, or even every time I get a haircut.  If this makes me an ogre or a slovenly man then I freely admit to being an ogre.

But, I don’t have to think about any of these questions anymore!  Here’s the trick:

  1. At some point get a haircut that you like. (It could be that you need to do this now and not use my trick until four months from now when you go back, but this first step is crucial.  If you have ever gotten a good hair cut and a picture of that hair cut even if it was a decade a go, as long as you still have the same amount of hair you are eligible for this trick.)
  2. Get a Picture of that haircut.
  3. Remember vaguely what the back looked like. (this may be wrong, but I think of the back of a haircut the way I think of the trunk of a car, important but ultimately very simple)
  4. Show that picture to the hairdresser, describe the back.
  5. Reap the fruits of your labor.

The End


Maybe, you can tell that I am holding out on you.  Maybe, you know that even though I just told you how to get an awesome haircut every time I still have a more convenient more awesome trick that I have saved for myself.  Alright fine I do.  But this one takes planning, and the inability to legally operate an automobile or lack of proper photo identification of some sort.Picture 3

So for you, gentle readers and true believers, I present step 2a. (this step is to be taken in place of step 2 in the rare cases that it is possible):

2a. Go get your driver’s license

If you can correctly carry out step 2a and after step 1 the world is your oyster.

There are two main advantages, first you have a reference point for what a good hair cut for you look like, and second, that reference point is in your pocket all the time. Enjoy your haircut readers, I do, every time.